an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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