Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
