i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
