I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
