I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize