Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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