my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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