She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
