sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
