fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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