I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
