Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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