I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
