He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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