She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
