when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
