The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
