I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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