I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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