i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
