Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize