I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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