some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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