I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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