Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
