I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
50% drunk capacity currently
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
