i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
God, I missed his penis.
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