You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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