you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
