I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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