I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Hippo gnu deer
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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