if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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