youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
