The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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