If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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