You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
