I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
