if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i dont even know how to be here
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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