Having a random hookup so left but love u
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
