I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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