she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
