omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
