Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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