had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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