dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
