I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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