My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
