Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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