Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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