Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
