I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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