I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you had me at cake vodka
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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