Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
