Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
