You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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