Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
