somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
