Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
