The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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